by Abed Zien El Dien

Two weeks ago was Valentine’s Day, and for those who may not know, Valentine’s Day did not begin in a card shop. It began in a Roman cemetery. As one version of the tradition goes, a third-century bishop named Valentine was killed on February 14 because he refused to stop performing weddings for Christian soldiers despite the emperor’s commands. He did not die for romance. He died for Christ.

Over time, legends wrapped his story in flowers and poetry. But at its core, the story is about sacrificial love. What the world now celebrates with candles and chocolate was once marked by execution. The true spirit of the day is not dreamy romance, but Christlike love that is patient and costly.

I remember how, before I got married, my local church in Lebanon used to celebrate this day with passion and reverence, with a tradition initiated by the single people. For weeks, those of us who were not married prepared everything. We planned the program, arranged red roses, printed name tags, and even made sure the food had a red theme. The married and engaged couples came to be shown love and appreciation. The church viewed this celebration as more than a yearly event. Those of us who were unmarried served the married as an act of service and hospitality, while the church viewed the families in the church as a very important part of the Kingdom of God. We were practicing hospitality and service.

The couples were not taken for granted as a small part of the church. Married couples were seen as central to the church’s witness, yet their covenant love made them prime targets of spiritual and cultural attack. As leaders carried the strain of broken relationships, the church tried to surround them with intentional prayer, accountability, pastoral care, and practical support to help them persevere faithfully.

Some time ago, I told a pastor from another church about the way my local church was celebrating Valentine’s Day. He rejected it immediately. “Valentine’s Day is pagan,” he said. Moreover, he added, “Every day should be a day to love your spouse. Why make February 14 special?” I, on the other hand, had the reverse thought: How can we make every day as special as February 14? I agree with this pastor’s statement that we need to love daily, and that love is the essence of the relationship of every married couple. Still, my interaction with him nudged me to reflect and ask about the biblical and Kingdom values that offer marriage relationship principles which make every day special above and beyond normal activity.

Marriage can become a humdrum transaction. On the flip side, in Lebanon, like in many places, Valentine’s Day has become very commercial and transactional. While a certain level of financial extravagance can be enjoyable for the sake of love, what starts as affection can turn into pressure. Shop windows turn red. Restaurants offer expensive fixed menus. Social media is filled with photos of flowers, jewelry, and big surprises. A hidden message is sent: if you spend more, it means you love more. While the opposite might conceivably be true, love can become measured by the size of the bouquet or the price of dinner.

Just like February 14 can become transactional, our day-to-day life also has the potential to become transactional. So daily commitment and love can easily become daily performance, where one spouse starts expecting things from the other, while the other feels stressed to deliver. What is even more dangerous is that both responses can become self-centered. Spouses may begin to ask, “What will I receive in return?” or “How can I meet expectations?” Love becomes transactional.

But God did not design marriage like a marketplace. My pastor friend was right in one sense: sacrificial love does not belong only to holidays. It belongs to weekdays and weekends, to hard conversations, and to small unseen acts of service. Love is commitment to sacrifice for the other with nothing in return. We might like the first part – that love is commitment to sacrifice for the other – but the second part of the sentence is what makes it godly love and what requires God’s grace. Still, marital love is both: mutual love as part of union, and love as sacrificial giving.

As a newly married Christian, I hope that my church continues hosting that Valentine’s dinner. Not because I need an excuse to buy roses, but because relationships are worthy to be celebrated, especially those built on Christ. In the Old Testament, God gave His people feasts. He did not forbid special days. Love is a gift, and gifts are meant to be celebrated with gratitude and upheld in a community.

How does a Kingdom-oriented, Christ-centered marriage look? Scripture says we no longer live for ourselves (Romans 14:7–8). Just as Christ continually loves and cares for His bride, the Church, husbands and wives are called to reflect that same self-giving love (Ephesians 5:22–27).

Marriage is not mainly about happiness. It is about holiness and obedience. It is not even about compatibility, although this can be a factor, but about dying to self. Marriage is about the two becoming one, and this is a continuous journey of self-giving and working together in synergy.  Christian marriage is meant to show the world what Christ’s love looks like. It is a Kingdom parable. It is shaped by devotion to Him and to each other, not shaped by a worldly culture.

What Might Paul Say?

Paul had something to say about marriage, so let’s look particularly into Ephesians 5. And although Paul’s words have the potential to sometimes be misused, they are also deeply beautiful and foundational for the two becoming one.

Here’s how I understand this text. When Paul asks wives to submit to their husbands, I believe that it means submitting to the vision that God had given to this family. If man is the head of the wife and if Christ is the head of the man (Ephesians 5:24), then the wife is submitting to the vision that God gave to this family.

Also, When Paul speaks to wives, he is not commanding blind obedience; it is not about who makes the final decision. We know that each gift spouses have should be an area where the other spouse depends on them. (For example, although both make decisions together, if the woman is more gifted in financial management than the man, then there may be more wisdom in how she sees financial matters.)

Also, Paul is not commanding blind obedience, but willing surrender “as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5: 22). This could mean that like a woman surrenders to God she also surrenders to her spouse, with respect and obedience. Or that she surrenders to the man as God would lead her, which means through surrendering to God, she upholds the kingdom values with her husband.

The idea is of surrender being voluntary, not forced. In Ephesians 5:21-22, the verb submit in the middle voice conveys voluntary, self-chosen submission of oneself to the other rather than coerced subjugation. The wife actively “places herself,” highlighting intentional, loving service as part of the oneness that God desires. This aligns with the broader call in 5:21 for mutual submission among believers.

Submitting to the husband as to the Lord is not about fear or erasing one’s dignity, but is about humble love and joyful trust.

The wife’s role is balanced by Paul’s command to the husband to sacrificially love his wife. Paul’s words are deep. He invites husbands to die. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25). Paul’s invitation is not for husbands to bring a gift; rather they gift themselves to their wives by becoming selfless, as Christ did with the church. Christ’s invitation for wives to submit is not an invitation for husbands to control.

I would be against celebrating Valentine’s Day if it meant that husbands save their efforts for special occasions, while the rest of the year their love and their care become minimal. For Paul, Christian marriage is cruciform. A husband is called to steady, daily, self-giving love, kind words, thoughtful actions, physical and emotional presence, all of which empower the wife, empower the relationship, and empower their becoming one. Husbands are called not just to be true followers of Christ, but also to be (like) Christ (not in a salvific way) to their wives.

Jesus calls His followers to take up their cross daily (Luke 9:23). I myself am learning that marriage works the same way. As a husband, I am daily called to love my wive as my own body, for “he who loves his wife loves himself… they feed and care for their body” (Ephesians 5:28-29).

If we are loving as God intends, daily affection and service should be normal. Seeking the other’s success becomes our success. Investing in our relationship becomes the success of becoming one as a couple. Just as Christ loves us continually, marriage should show steady, faithful love all year long.

A Way Forward?

The question of what is the best way forward in observing Valentine’s Day has less to do with February 14 than with what to do with the rest of the days of the year.

On February 14, my local church serves its couples. This is not just practical, but it has been formative. It has reminded couples that they are important in the eyes of the community and that they are prayed for.

As for the rest of the days of the year, married persons should all be intentional about Ephesians 5, not to weaponize it, but to redeem and enrich our marriages. Husbands are called to die daily. Wives are called to love freely. Both are called to “keep no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). The gospel is not “I loved you because you loved me.” It is “I loved you when you were still distant, still weak, still imperfect.”

Ephesians 5 lived out will allow us to celebrate without fear. If you buy flowers, let them be an act of gratitude, not “out of duty.” If you cook a meal, let it be hospitality toward the image of God at your own table.

According to tradition, Valentine of Rome did not die for romance. He died because he believed marriage mattered. He believed that when a man and a woman make a covenant before God, they are showing the gospel to the world. They are proving that self-giving love is real. May our marriages show that same truth, not only on February 14, but on February 15, and on all the ordinary days that follow.

Abed is Assistant Professor of Practical Theology at ABTS. He is a member of the Church of the Nazarene and enjoys watching movies, listening to music and taking walks.